Views

I love perspectives. I love seeing things from another persons eye, especially how they view other people. I know I've said this a million times, but its just really fucking interesting. It helps me make decisions and shape my own views by hearing what other people think of the subject. For example, several months ago I was wondering if a guy found me annoying, or if he wanted to be friends. I talked to a few mutual friends of ours and saw their appraisal of the situation. They said he was acting the way that he was because he had feelings for me, more than just friends, you know. I learned about how he worked, but I couldn't tell if I liked him too or now. I asked other people what they thought of it. I asked one of the same mutual friends and she told me that we were definitely each other's type and we should go for it. She saw his feelings as genuine, yet slightly reluctant. Another friend suggested the same thing, but she saw his feelings as more physical attraction than emotional, because she viewed him as a recluse sort of person, that never really opens up in that sort of way. Now, anyone would be overjoyed to hear about getting some action from someone they dig, but actually, I was more interested in the responses from other people and their reaction to the situation. (This was probably because I felt like I had the situation completely under control and was actually able to pay attention to other people.) At one point I actually started keeping a log of what people said, just for me to look back at in the future. Honestly, I cherish situations where I can get feedback. I value other people's train of though. Not so much opinions though - at least opinions pertaining to me anyway. Not too much at least. I'd like to say I keep a healthy balance.

A shallow post

For my own future reference, I need to make a list of all the shops where I buy my indie shit.

• Etsy
• LA Vintage
• ModCloth
• Free People
• Urban Outfitters
• Forever21
• Thread Sence
• Yesstyle
• ASOS
• Tilly's
• Ruche
• Fred Flare
• Tulle
• Valleygirl
• Oasis
• Karma Loop
• Top Shop
• Shop Bop
• Another Man's Treasure
• Dakota Collective

Shopping makes me happy okay. It fills up a small part of emotional emptiness with material satisfaction for at least a few days. Spending money becomes a bad habit though, because eventually you begin to rely on it for happiness and not your own emotional strength. Whatever, I won't talk too much. This post is just for the links.

Depression

Sometimes I wish that my emotions could be turned on and off quickly, and only used in situations in which I need them. Right about now I'm going through a rough spot. I've been undergoing some slight endogenous and agitated depression, both of which have thankfully not been too severe. I think its because emotionally, I've suddenly cut myself off from a resource, and now I'm kind of scavenging to find things to fill up a now empty part of me. On top of that, I'm really just going through a stage of realization. I'm learning all the things I've been told all my life now for the first time. Things are beginning to make sense in the world for me at large. Right now I'd say I'm cruising on passive action, and thankfully not falling to far behind in life because of it. Honestly, most people with conditions like my own have at least a few bouts of depression in his or her life time. Really, I'm lucky to experience this at a time in my life when it won't really effect me too much. Right now though, its a matter of moving on emotionally from several things, and I'm happy to at least conciously be able to accept and deal with my fate. Right now though, its just a matter of getting my conscious and subconscious on the same level.

So, how does one deal with depression and feelings of emotional dissatisfaction? Easy. Keep yourself busy. Force yourself out of bed, despite the fact you don't want to. Try new things, try and be yourself, and do things you would normally do. Don't just sit at home and worry about shit. The reason I'm writing this is because so many people don't realize that they have depression, and end up getting a lot worse and result to drastic measures, like self mutilation, and attempts/thoughts of suicide. I feel like if more people knew about this, so many people would be happier with their lives. Not to over diagnose things either though, because doctors need to be careful with that, because they can convince a patient that they have an illness they really don't. Its good to be wary though, and to know about things that are so common, especially during the teenage years.

Thoughts on the day so far

Honestly, today I just haven't been able to put up with people very well. Usually I try to be as positive as possible when talking and interacting with other people, but today, all I can see is the negative side of everyone. Its interesting to me though, because I've never really looked at people from this point of view before. I'm starting to realize how much we people have fucked up the planet and all the other living things in it. I know you can hear that a million times from Al Gore and hundreds of other scientists and activists, but I'm realizing it for myself right now, and its making a greater impact on how I see things. Really, I wish I'd had this kind of epiphany earlier in my life. I would have been able to figure out so many problems early on and made sure they didn't actually escalate to what they've become now. Its incredibly frustrating. I'm kind of glad time machines don't exist though. Can you imagine how obsessive everyone would become if they knew they could fix what they've done in the past? That just wasn't meant to be. It would be nice if we could get a heads up on the future while we were in the past/present. Then at least we could know where we're headed. That would be really helpful to me at least - probably a lot of other people too.
I have to remember so many people have gone through/are going through what I'm dealing with now, and it really could be so much worse. I have to remember to constantly remain grateful for what I have and all the good things that are (hopefully) to come.

Love - Traffic

(Winwood/Capaldi)
Love if you see me, don't pass me by
I need somebody or else I'm gonna die
Oh, love, if you need me, just call and I'll be there
There is no sorrow that both of us can't share
That both of us can't share
Love, don't you despair


My thoughts on love exactly.

Musings

Right now, I'm trying to figure myself out. I'm learning a lot about my nature this year and I think I've just made a break through. I resent people who do well in school just because they get a pat on the back when they do. I hate it when people automatically think that they have to become a doctor because thats what their family dictates. I hate those goddamn goody two shoes people. But what I don't hate, is when people do well because they actually want to learn, because they're actually intellectual people and want to learn so badly about the world around them. Personally, I could give two shits less about the sun exploding and how math works. I'm interested in History and English. Why you ask? Because I'm fucking fascinated with humans. I love seeing how their nature has effected the long term outcome of a civilization/reign. I love seeing how authors write based on their experiences. I love exploring intricate characters in books. Its such an odd and fruitless pursuit on my part, but I think its unique. Thats one of the only thing I have going for me too. I like testing the limits of human emotion. I like to purposely do bad on one or two tests just to see what the reaction would be. I like to challenge the authority of the teachers and adults. I like to prove to them that they won't effect me, and only I can decide what I do. I don't know why I do it, but its damn fun. Its like a big fucking experiment. My whole life is a big fucking experiment. I hope it works out for the best anyway.

See, this is the reason I keep a journal. I like the physical motion of writing, and getting out my thoughts on paper. Its really helped me too. Now that I've organized my emotions and thoughts into the journal, I've been able to understand a pattern in my emotions. I've learned what makes me happy, and steps that work to help me get over things. I'm still young, so I can't say I've figured out everything about myself yet. If anything, I love the idea of finding and creating myself throughout my entire life. I'm constantly changing, and so is everyone else. Nothing is definite. We have the ability to change anything in our lives that we want. If you're not happy, find what it is thats making you unhappy, and change it. Who cares what people think, do it for yourself. Do it to make yourself happy, because isn't that technically what life is about? Only we can pave the paths for ourselves. I think a lot of people have yet to learn that, lots of them older than me. Some people never learn though, and I'm not gonna let them bring me down because of that. Its their life they can make their own fucking decisions. Guidance is needed ocassionally though, which I'm more than happy to provide.

I realize I'm just repeating what so many people have said in the past, but now that I'm figuring it out for myself from my own experiences, it feels so much more ground breaking. I hope everyone gets to go through a moment of realization like this. Its quite wonderful, and certainly a healthy change from anyone's normal train of thought.

Relationshit.

I feel like almost everyone has been having a roller coaster year. It seems like at one point we're all on top and on our high horse, and then the next we feel manically depressed and just want to give up on the world. On my part, my roller coaster has been due to a lot of illnesses, suffered by me and close family members a like. For a lot of other people though, this has been a roller coaster of relationships and heart breaks. Now, I'm not gonna make it seem like I haven't had my share of difficult relationships and unwanted feelings, we all have, but I just have an urge to appraise everyone else's from my own perspective. For some, its a matter of just getting as much sex and hooking up as they can possibly handle. Actually, its more than just some, its pretty much 50+% of high school students. Honestly, this disheartens me. I'm not a huge fan of friends with benefits, just because feelings are almost always developed afterwards, and someone tends to get hurt. Some people are completely cool with that, and, fine, thats completely fine, but at least try to keep the other persons feelings in mind, and just make sure it'll end up being ONLY that. Personally, I can't really do this. First of all, I'm an incredibly sensitive person - more than I let on. I also require a lot of intellectual stimulation, aside from just physical. I like this idea of possessing someone on not just a physical level, but an emotional level as well. I find that to be the biggest turn on. I like this odd idea of understanding someone before I hook up with them, so I can see how it all works out as a whole. Its creepy, but I love understanding and observing people. Now, I don't psychoanalyze people, but I find it fascinating how people act based on past experiences, financial situations, family relationships, friendships, etc. I just really love learning about how humans act. (Its funny though, the more I learn, the more I hate people.) The kind of people I tend to like, are the ones that find one person that they love, and stick with them. They display self control when faced with other possible hook ups, and are not only in a relationship with their significant other, but friends with them too. I think this kind of thing is incredibly sweet. Something I most certainly long for. I won't kill myself though, I have plenty of time, and I'm sure I'll eventually find someone I love and I'll be happy with. I think this is something that a lot of girls my age don't realize. They don't realize that in a few years from now, you're not gonna be in love with the same person, I mean, unless you're in a really good relationship with them. It really pisses me off how weak some girls act when talking about the guy they like. Honestly, its not your fault if he's not into you, it just means it wasn't meant to be. Once you learn that the other person isn't interested, its time to at least try and move on. Its difficult to move on from someone you really care about, believe me I know, but at least make the effort, because in the end it'll be a lot healthier for you and your self esteem. For myself, it doesn't take me very long to get over someone. I simply go through something that makes me decide "Okay, this person isn't interested/did something I really don't like. Its time to move on." Once I get past that decision, I simply remove myself from the other person for a few days, and I'm done. For other people though, once you fall for someone intensely, you can't get yourself out of it. If you know you're like this, you'll need to try and prevent it early on. By that I mean, try not to fall for someone too hard. At least be conscious of your emotions, and take steps to make sure you don't loose your head all together. Just some advice. And if the person isn't interested, do not by any means change yourself to get them to like you. From my observations, this tends to turn guys off a lot. Don't kill yourself either. Don't whine and complain about how you're so ugly and so stupid and he'll never like you. If you don't love yourself, how the fuck are you supposed to love somebody else? Honestly, have some self respect. For those girls who don't like the guys they like control their life, I give a lot of respect to. It shows maturity, and to be perfectly honest, in high school we need as much of that as we can get.

I feel really shallow writing about relationships and love at a high school level, but I just needed to get those thoughts out. I think a lot of people need to hear it. Also, these are my opinions, don't feel like you need to agree with them. I don't profess to know anything about these situation either, and I do realize I sound incredibly pompous throughout this entire rant, so please ignore that.