Musings

Right now, I'm trying to figure myself out. I'm learning a lot about my nature this year and I think I've just made a break through. I resent people who do well in school just because they get a pat on the back when they do. I hate it when people automatically think that they have to become a doctor because thats what their family dictates. I hate those goddamn goody two shoes people. But what I don't hate, is when people do well because they actually want to learn, because they're actually intellectual people and want to learn so badly about the world around them. Personally, I could give two shits less about the sun exploding and how math works. I'm interested in History and English. Why you ask? Because I'm fucking fascinated with humans. I love seeing how their nature has effected the long term outcome of a civilization/reign. I love seeing how authors write based on their experiences. I love exploring intricate characters in books. Its such an odd and fruitless pursuit on my part, but I think its unique. Thats one of the only thing I have going for me too. I like testing the limits of human emotion. I like to purposely do bad on one or two tests just to see what the reaction would be. I like to challenge the authority of the teachers and adults. I like to prove to them that they won't effect me, and only I can decide what I do. I don't know why I do it, but its damn fun. Its like a big fucking experiment. My whole life is a big fucking experiment. I hope it works out for the best anyway.

See, this is the reason I keep a journal. I like the physical motion of writing, and getting out my thoughts on paper. Its really helped me too. Now that I've organized my emotions and thoughts into the journal, I've been able to understand a pattern in my emotions. I've learned what makes me happy, and steps that work to help me get over things. I'm still young, so I can't say I've figured out everything about myself yet. If anything, I love the idea of finding and creating myself throughout my entire life. I'm constantly changing, and so is everyone else. Nothing is definite. We have the ability to change anything in our lives that we want. If you're not happy, find what it is thats making you unhappy, and change it. Who cares what people think, do it for yourself. Do it to make yourself happy, because isn't that technically what life is about? Only we can pave the paths for ourselves. I think a lot of people have yet to learn that, lots of them older than me. Some people never learn though, and I'm not gonna let them bring me down because of that. Its their life they can make their own fucking decisions. Guidance is needed ocassionally though, which I'm more than happy to provide.

I realize I'm just repeating what so many people have said in the past, but now that I'm figuring it out for myself from my own experiences, it feels so much more ground breaking. I hope everyone gets to go through a moment of realization like this. Its quite wonderful, and certainly a healthy change from anyone's normal train of thought.